‘Memories may fade, but love remains’: Son turns dad’s 14-year dementia battle into hope for others

David pictured with his Dad, who he is his named after.

David Clarke was just 21 when he began to understand that the father who had spent his life looking after him was slowly going to need his son to do the same for him.

Almost 14 years later, dementia has taken conversations, memories and many of the ordinary moments they once shared — but it has never taken the bond between them.

“Memories may fade but love remains,” David says.

Now, after years in which the experience felt too raw to confront on such a public scale, the Greenisland primary school teacher and Mid and East Antrim councillor is turning his family’s journey into something he hopes will help others.

On Friday 23 October, David will host a Dementia and Alzheimer’s Charity Dinner, Quiz, Raffle and Games Night at Tullyglass House Hotel in Ballymena, raising money for Dementia UK, Alzheimer’s Society and the Residents Fund at Hamilton Private Nursing Home.

The response has already exceeded anything he imagined. An event originally planned for around 60 people is now expected to attract close to 120, forcing it to move twice within Tullyglass before finding a larger home in the hotel’s Corinthian Suite.

Behind those numbers, however, is the story of a father and son — and a family learning over almost 14 years what it really means to live with dementia.

‘One of the very best’

Years gone past… David Snr.

David’s father was born in London, the fourth of six children.

His own childhood was marked by tragedy when his father was killed in an accident at work when he was just five, leaving his mother to raise six children alone.

He would eventually spend most of his adult life in Northern Ireland. He later became father to David and his sister, Lucy, and more recently a grandfather to Lucy’s children.

David remembers him as a quiet man who never sought attention — happiest going to work, coming home, having a cup of coffee and watching television.

But beneath that quiet nature was someone his son describes as extraordinarily kind and selfless.

“He was a great dad. Always kind and always generous. Very calm and interacted with us,” David said.

Although David’s parents divorced when his sister Lucy was six and he was three, their father remained a major part of both their lives.

There were football matches at Windsor Park, trips across the water, visits to the park and seaside, day trips and the sweets he would bring his children at weekends.

“He was a very hands-on dad and would take us to the park or on day trips to the seaside or wherever we wanted to go,” David recalled.

“He was always putting others before himself. He was so selfless and didn’t deserve what happened to him.”

When familiar things became difficult

The first signs were subtle.

Looking back, David can now identify moments that seemed merely strange at the time but would later take on a very different significance.

His father started writing notes to himself to keep track of things. His personality and mannerisms began changing.

Making a cup of tea or coffee — something most people do without thinking — started taking longer.

Father and son…

He could become lost in familiar places and struggle with routes he had known for years. Words became harder to find and he could lose his train of thought in the middle of a conversation.

Instructions increasingly had to be broken down into individual steps.

Perhaps one of the starkest changes involved DIY.

David’s father had always been capable with his hands, yet even something as straightforward as hanging a picture began to cause difficulty.

“He was hesitant to do tasks because I think he knew in his heart of hearts something wasn’t right,” David said.

It is one reason he believes the common perception of dementia as simply becoming forgetful badly underestimates the reality families face.

“People think dementia is just forgetfulness but it is much more than that,” he said.

“There are a range of symptoms and various forms of dementia.”

A diagnosis at just 21

David remembers the consultation clearly.

David was around 21 and had just returned home from studying in England when the family finally received an explanation for what they had been witnessing with their Dad.

The consultant described his father as having a “progressive memory disorder”, David recalls, rather than immediately using the word dementia.

“The first reaction was devastation but I didn’t fully understand the condition at this point,” he said.

“You never fully understand it until you have travelled the dementia road.”

There was also relief in finally knowing what was happening and hope that the family could now access help.

But nothing could prepare them for what the diagnosis would ultimately mean.

“You feel so helpless and in the dark and you are never prepared for what lies ahead when given this life-changing diagnosis,” David said.

His father was only in his mid-60s and approaching retirement.

Instead of entering the stage of life he had worked towards, his abilities would progressively be taken from him.

David Snr.

David admits that left him feeling cheated.

“He never got to enjoy his retirement,” he said.

“You assume that people develop this condition in their 80s and 90s but sadly more and more younger people are developing it when they are in their prime golden years and you feel they have been robbed.”

Watching a father slowly change

Over almost 14 years, there have been numerous hospital admissions and complications associated with his father’s condition.

There have also been occasions when medical expectations have been defied.

“He has been through so much but he has defied doctors’ predictions on multiple occasions and has battled on with bravery and determination,” David said.

“He has a strong heart and never given up.

“We are so very proud of the fight he has put up and refused to give in.”

His father celebrated another birthday on 3 September — a milestone David said medical professionals had feared he might not reach.

He also became a grandfather again in late 2025.

Yet dementia has inevitably changed what fatherhood, grandfatherhood and family life look like.

“You aren’t able to do the things you once did, you can’t have those conversations you had, you watch helplessly your loved one change,” David said.

His dad had always been gentle, kind and generous. When dementia sometimes caused him to become cross or unpleasant over something small, David had to learn to separate the illness from the person he knew.

“I had to tell myself that it was the dementia talking, not him,” he said.

Living in the moment

Fun times

Some of the most painful experiences came not from difficult days, but from good ones.

David could take his father out for lunch, enjoy a walk together and get an ice cream.

For that moment, his dad was happy.

Seconds later, the memory could be gone.

“In the moment he loved it but within a few seconds he had no recollection of it and that was very hard,” David said.

It taught him something fundamental about living alongside dementia: sometimes the moment itself has to be enough.

As the disease has progressed and communication has diminished, tiny interactions have acquired enormous meaning.

David recalls shaving his father after he had spoken very little for months.

His dad said two words: “Thank you.”

For David, moments like that are now treasured.

“As the disease progresses those special moments become less and less, but when they do happen you appreciate and value them all the more,” he said.

“I am a believer that life doesn’t end when dementia begins.

“He is still my dad and whilst things have changed the love still remains.”

When the responsibility falls on you

Dementia does not affect only the person diagnosed.

With his sister Lucy living in England, much of the responsibility for navigating their father’s changing needs fell to David.

“You feel very consumed and alone with it all,” he said.

“You are learning on the job to an ever-changing situation and have to adapt very quickly.”

As his father’s needs intensified, David also faced the challenge familiar to many carers — trying to balance caring for someone he loved with living his own life.

“One of the hardest and cruellest things is the factor that it is a progressive disease,” he said.

“You know there is no cure and with each passing day their symptoms get worse and you lose more and more of them and there is nothing you can do about it.”

There were days when it became overwhelming.

But for David, walking away was never an option.

“My dad gave so much to us when we were younger in our time of need and it seemed only right that I would stand shoulder to shoulder during his time of need,” he said.

“It requires a lot of time, effort and resilience to support someone with dementia but for me I couldn’t have made any other choice.

“Without him I wouldn’t be here today. I owed it to him and it seemed like the least I could do under the circumstances.”

The illness has also meant his father has been unable to experience being a grandfather in the way the family once might have imagined — the ordinary pleasures of taking grandchildren to the park or collecting them from school among the experiences dementia has taken away.

‘Nothing will fully prepare you’

After almost 14 years, David believes dementia can only truly be understood by those who have experienced its impact at close quarters.

“You can Google it, you can read all the literature about it but nothing will fully prepare you for walking the dementia road,” he said.

“You literally watch your loved one fade away before your eyes requiring more and more input and you are powerless to do anything about it.”

Families can find themselves wondering which ability will be affected next — mobility, language, swallowing or another function most of us rarely think about.

“The endless progression of it makes it so cruel and harder to live with and cope with,” David said.

But the experience has also changed how he thinks about time.

“You learn to enjoy every day like it is their last, you make the most of the skills they have retained for as long as possible, you realise that time is precious and there is none to be wasted,” he said.

“You realise that you have no choice but to make the best out of a tragic situation.”

Why now?

David has raised money for dementia causes before through smaller events including coffee mornings, a bun sale and a run.

Something on this scale was different.

For years, he simply did not feel emotionally ready.

“It always felt so raw and every time in the past that I thought about something on this scale my anxiety would have kicked in and I never followed it through,” he explained.

Time has not erased what the family has lost, but David says he has gradually found a way to live alongside it.

“You never get over what you lose with dementia but you do find a way to somehow cope and continue in some form with the passage of time,” he said.

“I now feel more at peace with things. It has taken me a very long time to get here and some days I think, what am I doing — will I be able to hold it together, especially on the night?”

What keeps him going is the possibility that his family’s experience could now help another.

“If some good can come from what we raise then our traumatic journey and story won’t have been in vain,” David said.

“If we can make a small difference and make a cure and proper treatments even a day closer then it will all have been worth it.”

David is also taking part in the Memory Walk in Belfast. While researching that fundraising effort, he decided the time had come to do something bigger.

Giving back to those who helped

Money raised at Tullyglass will support Dementia UK and Alzheimer’s Society, alongside the Residents Fund at Hamilton Private Nursing Home in Ballyclare.

For David, supporting Hamilton is particularly personal because of the care his father has received there.

He paid particular tribute to Lucy Maher, owner and nursing home manager of The Hamilton, and her staff.

“The Hamilton have in most recent times provided amazing nursing care to my dad,” he said.

“Lucy and all her staff have treated him like one of their own. They have never given up on him.

“They have worked tirelessly to make him as comfortable and as contented as he can be and for those reasons we will be forever grateful to them.”

David said caring for someone with dementia can involve a range of professionals working together as needs change.

Without that support, he believes an already difficult journey would be considerably harder.

From 60 people to almost 120

When plans for the charity night were first discussed, David hoped around 60 people might come.

The response has been so strong that close to 120 are now expected.

The fundraiser was originally intended for the Conservatory at Tullyglass House Hotel before being moved to the Dining Room Suite as demand grew.

It has now moved again, this time to the larger Corinthian Suite.

“We have been blown away with the response,” David said.

“I’m delighted that it will now take place in the Corinthian Suite due to the high demand.

“It is shaping up to be an action-packed night which will live long in the memory for those attending. Most importantly, we will raise lots of money for the cause, which is what it is all about.”

Among those planning to attend are UUP Alderman Andrew Wilson and Councillor Bobby Hadden, along with TUV Alderman Stewart McDonald.

David paid particular thanks to Alderman Wilson, Councillor Hadden and Alderman McDonald for their support and for taking time to attend.

The scale of the response has already made David think beyond October.

He would like the fundraiser to become an annual event, potentially growing to around 200 people next year and perhaps being co-hosted with another family affected by dementia.

A message beyond one family

For David, however, fundraising is only part of what he hopes sharing his family’s experience can achieve.

He wants other families living with dementia to know they are not alone — and believes more must be done to ensure people can access diagnosis, care and support when they need it.

“Often getting a diagnosis is a long drawn-out process and you have to go looking for support and very often it can be hard to get,” he said.

“If you don’t have someone strongly advocating for you then you can sadly be overlooked by the system in many ways.”

He hopes the event might also encourage those with the power to improve dementia services to listen to families living with the reality of the condition.

“At the end of the day, dementia doesn’t discriminate,” David said.

“It affects nearly every family here in Northern Ireland and across the United Kingdom. We are all in it together.

“No one can beat this dreadful, wicked disease alone. It will take a community and society as a whole to stand together to do that.”

How to support the charity night

The Dementia and Alzheimer’s Charity Dinner, Quiz, Raffle and Games Night takes place at Tullyglass House Hotel, Ballymena, on Friday 23 October 2026.

The evening begins at 7pm for 7.30pm and will now be held in the Corinthian Suite following the strong response.

Tickets cost £35 per person, with proceeds supporting Dementia UK, Alzheimer’s Society and the Residents Fund at Hamilton Private Nursing Home.

The ticket includes a three-course carvery, tea and coffee, with cake and cupcakes provided by Barbara’s Bake a Cake.

There will also be pick and mix, a quiz, raffle and games including CashCall, heads or tails, guessing the weight of a cake and guessing how many sweets are in a jar.

Guests are encouraged to bring loose change to take part in the fundraising activities.

Dawn Blain from The Fit Treat Company and Barbara Smith have provided prizes for the raffle, while Dementia and Alzheimer’s merchandise will be available on the night for suggested donations.

Dress is smart casual.

Anyone wishing to attend, support the fundraiser or make a donation towards the event should contact David Clarke directly either on social media (Facebook & X), or alternatively by phone (07596 092 960), or email (dclarken18@aol.com).

‘Make the most of every day’

For someone whose family has just received a dementia diagnosis, David’s advice comes not from a leaflet or textbook but from almost 14 years of living it.

“Take each day as it comes, make the best of the situation, live in the moment, focus on things and activities your loved one can enjoy and take part in,” he said.

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, support your loved one as best you can and you will have no regrets.

“Don’t be afraid to reach out and push and push for help and support as often you have to be persistent and shout loudly.

“Make the most of every day, never be frustrated or cross with your loved one as things they say or do are not their fault.

“Remember that memories may fade but love remains.”

Nearly 14 years after the diagnosis that changed their lives, David still sees his father’s determination whenever he visits.

“My dad appreciates everything you do for him even if he has to express it to you in a different way,” he said.

“He gets very animated when you go to visit him and it is my pleasure to stand shoulder to shoulder with him in this battle and continue the fight for as long as we can.”